For nice blokes who seem constantly miserable

PuaKim Wong — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 15:02:24 +0000

So I’m checking in here again. To reflect on how I have been feeling the past few months. I find the sadness controllable now. Losing myself in the drudgery routine of work. I quite enjoy it really. It occupies a space that would otherwise be filled with worry and guilt. An anxiety that consumes every ounce of energy until I’m left with nothing but tears in my eyes and a hollowness in my head. The worst is behind me, but like that benign tumor it stays to taunt me.

I sense a deep resentment in D now, one that will build with time. I can’t say I don’t care, but what can I do? The fear of messing up things further terrifies me to bits. Now that I am in a more stable state of mind, I feel that I can do something to move this ridiculous emotional stalemate. One for her friends and mine. And maybe for her as well. When do I do it? That is the hardest part really. Maybe tmr.

Over the hump

PuaKim Wong — Tue, 11 May 2010 19:12:23 +0000

It’s been awhile since I last wrote about how I feel.

The hardest part is over, the acknowledgement that something is not quite right in my head. And I know they say that it is really a label you put on yourself. Or that it is being self-indulgent. I really don’t believe in all that. I think there’s only one thing that one can really be certain of, and that is being truly honest with yourself, although sometimes I question that as well.

That is a characteristic habit of mine, questioning everything. Almost obsessive.

These days I feel less of that impending crush of doom and endless cycles of negativity I feel. The bouts of sadness still come, but they don’t come as those debilitating waves I used to feel before. It’s more of a tired resignation of letting the sadness come, express itself as a small teary episode, and then moving on. Occasionally my stomach feels like theres a 10 inch ball of a tumor growing inside it. And I get blinding episodes of migraines that feel like my head is bruised. But it’s not so bad. I feel somewhat calmer nowadays. I can get by my days without the feeling of killing myself. I feel bad about thinking of killing myself. Of all the people I would let down, of the people I truly love. Just my family really.

So yes SUICIDE. BAD.

I sometimes wonder why me? I’ve done so much work, yet there is this lingering fear that it might all unravel, like a ball of string. And then it’s down that slippery slope again. The dark days of refusing to get out of bed, hiding under the covers, your whole body aching and your head throbbing in pain. Your chest feels like it might implode upon itself. And finally realizing that this pain is far more than merely a phase of your life that you are unhappy with. That is has nothing to do with your life.

There is feeling sad and letting yourself feel sad about it. And then there is the sadness that just prevents you from carrying on with your day. And those funny thoughts of ending your life don’t seem so funny anymore.

I don’t think I can feel that much pain again. The kind of pain that makes your head seem almost disembodied from one’s being. Like chopping it off would stop the pain.

I try to stay optimistic these days. Still navigating the messiness of life. Trying to find that drive I used to have. I’m getting there. Who’s with me?

Checking in oneself

PuaKim Wong — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 14:07:23 +0000

So I’m back here. Writing about my feelings. Sometimes I wish I was more of a dude. Things have progressed somewhat, my brain not in this constant feeling like it wants to come out of my ears. Is this the tail end? I can’t tell for sure. I’ve finally stopped asking myself the what if’s and if only’s. Sometimes things are just the way they are. And at the end of the day, what more is there left but to live in the moment, the now, present. My mind has a habit of revealing the past through retrospective existentialism.

That sickening feeling of dread fills me less often, and now I acknowledge it was something unnatural, detached from me. There’s nothing wrong with me, my mind just needs a little more re-wiring.

Ok I thought that I would have had more to say. I guess that’s a good thing.

PuaKim Wong — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 07:45:16 +0000

These days I feel a somewhat average sense of peace. I still get my anxiety attacks and migraines, mostly when I’m tired. And those cyclical negative thoughts come back. The absolutely self-defeating thought of: “I will never forgive/things will never be the same/ she will always resent me.” I catch myself, and tell myself that it absolutely does me no good. And soon enough the thoughts pass. My life has become this

I think I have given up the idea of lists and planning. Or waiting for myself to be absolutely alright. Because I have no idea what absolutely alright means. I could be waiting 2 or 10 years to finally detach myself from this pain. And trivial as it is to some, it wasn’t for me. People kind of give me the half-smirk when I reveal that I am depressed. Like for real? Oh Come on.

I’ve unexpectedly met someone who makes me quite happy. I have no idea where it will take me, but I’ll enjoy the ride for the while. As for Dawn, I’m giving the break up some time to simmer, before I approach her again. I don’t quite know what to say anymore, apart from sorry. Sorry, not for making it anyone’s fault, but sorry for being the irresponsible jackass afterwards. I’ve a history of not dealing with break ups very well, and for the matter, I’m sorry for having to drag you in more when you didn’t deserve to. You probably don’t like me very much as a person now, but I hope in time you’ll accept the way things turned out. I’m not asking for us to be the best of friends, but i guess something on a more amicable level. Because it is really hard for me to see you in a lecture, and pretend you’re not there. Or pretend everything is alright, and pretend to laugh at idle banter. So all I can say is i’m sorry. It won’t make everything ok, but I hope it makes things better. I just had to get it off my chest. I hope it doesn’t upset you.

Is this the way adults deal with broken relationships? I have no idea. I have much to learn.

I am such a girl.

PuaKim Wong — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 04:45:12 +0000

After sending the email off, I didn’t expect to feel any better. But somehow the next morning, despite the throbbing headache, I felt an immense weight lifted off my heart. Like all things in life, this unexpected move had made everything lighter. And although my head still feels like it wants to explode sometimes, I know it is more physiological than psychological. In an unexpected moment of catharsis, acceptance came with knowing that someone else does not want to be a part of your life anymore.

On a positive note, I have come to learn several important things in dealing with loss. Talk. and talk. and talk. I didn’t do enough of it. Internalizing it until it drove me mad. Never again. Depression is one of the most draining things that can happen to you, emotionally and physically.

Also reinforcing my belief system, that I choose to treat Catholicism as a way of life rather than a means to an end. I extract its virtues, live my life to be a good person, and accept the mystery that is life. Not for reward for an eternal salvation, but for an illustrious life here on Earth.

And as for that other half, I’ll accept when she comes. Relationships are quite mysterious to me, to learn how to drop all expectations. I’ll love each and every woman that comes my way, to the best of my capacity, in full acceptance that things may or may not work out.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Life has just gotten a whole lot better.

PuaKim Wong — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:36:31 +0000

Re-reading the previous letter to her, it seems I still have a little anger towards her. I don’t know what’s so difficult to let go. I’m gonna do something, it may be a bad idea, or it may the best idea. I just cannot sit here waiting forever, not doing anything. Immovable. Unknowing. Feeling this unbearable weight bearing down on me. To pain me so much that I double over from that gut wrenching feeling.

I will have to do it. And then at least I can say I have tried. And hopefully ease this maddening silence of unwillingness. To lay to rest all this irrational thought of hoping for this and that.

PuaKim Wong — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:52:04 +0000

It is about time I did something about this. And despite all the signs that point to this being a bad idea, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna seek my closure by contacting Sam. I cannot go on like this, suffering in sadness. I have to at least try this, to put it to rest. And to deal with the response. I have dealt enough with it, preparing myself for the scenarios. I have 3 outcomes that could possibly happen. 1. She doesn’t reply, and things will be the same as they were before. 2. She replies, and agrees to meet up. 3. She apologises and wants me back. Option 3 would probably be the worst one. One that I wouldn’t know how to handle. The stifling emotional baggage will hopefully lift, and I can slowly regain my happiness.

Hi there.

You must be surprised to hear from me. I’m writing to you, in the hopes of laying to rest the past year of resentment and anger I have kept inside of me. Moving on for me has been unexpectedly difficult, and I it has placed me in this deadening spiral of unresolved things that have made me intensely unhappy. I will bring up the past just this once and for the last time, because it is just so much water under the bridge. I hope to lay out everything on the table, in the hopes that you might understand, why I did not want to see you or talk to you for the last year or so.

In the subsequent months after during and after our break-up, I just felt too emotionally unstable and upset to see you. There are probably many questions I will never get answers to from you. I don’t expect to. You asked me impossible things I couldn’t give you the answers to. I couldn’t possibly give you the kind of commitment you wanted at that point in my life. I thought that as long you were happy with me, you would stick around long enough until I could give you what you needed. I held on to that equivocal belief that things would work out if 2 people who were committed to stay together tried hard enough. So when you told me that you were unhappy with me, it was the last straw for me, because I had always been happy with you. If you needed some kind of commitment like a promise of marriage, then I’m sorry I couldn’t give that to you, because let’s face it, if you needed a promise of marriage to stay with me, that’s a pretty dumb reason. So when you told me after our break that you had made your decision to end things, it became obvious to me that you didn’t want me in your life. It was probably the most painful thing I have ever heard. I’m not going to lie. It still hurts when I think about it.

I figured out you were seeing someone else already after 4 months, which upset me more. It seemed you wanted to settle unfinished business with me, by “being friends”, so you could get on with your own life. You must know that although we parted seemingly amicably, my heart was still in a bad place, I couldn’t recover by being your friend. I don’t know if we can ever be the same friends we were, but I hope to some degree we can still be friendly to one another. I think I have gotten to a place now where I can see you without feeling disappointed or angry. I’m just sad that it has taken me so long to get there. I realise now how we weren’t right for each other, although those years with you were the best of my life.

I leave it up to you what you want to do. My number hasn’t changed. It would be nice to meet up for coffee. I hope this doesn’t upset you too much, and if you have someone else in your life right now, it might just be simpler for things to remain as they are. I just needed to say this, to get my closure, and move on with my life.

Thomas

Living in my seroxat world

PuaKim Wong — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 09:44:42 +0000

I wonder some days whether I am making up all these things in my head in order to make myself depressed. When my mind is pre-occupied in the company of friends, I forgot my troubles. Then once in awhile, things trigger this knot in my stomach. It grows progressively bigger, until it consumes my body with a throbbing pain that makes you want to scream.

The other day, it was hearing D saying she was going to HK. My mind screamed, ” WHAT NOW YOU ARE GOING?” and then my mind retreated into its usual self-loathing, ” Why the fuck are you so upset about this?” I ran through a list of options that made me feel this way.

1. I still had feelings, and seeing her in HK made me excited.

2. I sub consciously loathed her fickle mindedness, despite clearly understanding it.

I would think it would be the former. I blamed it on imbalanced hormones.

I never had to problem of doubting the future. I just never knew with D. One minute this, another minute that. So impossibly uncertain. I guess we never really know who we REALLY want to spend the rest of our lives with. And the only choice is by putting your heart on the line. I have this inexplicable want for some emotional security from someone. And I just couldn’t know from D. With S, it seemed almost effortless. And yet at the end, it boils down to whether 2 people really want to stick together, for better or for worse.

Blah dun even know what I’m saying any more. Useless lessons in life that lead to nowhere.

I just want someone. To bring me peace of mind, and solitude of heart.

PuaKim Wong — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:40:34 +0000

Just when I thought I am getting better, i relapse into this deepening spiral of sadness. I scream for my brain to stop it. And then you do something small, something inexplicably simple that drives me insane.

What does it mean then, if someone has the ability to drive you so insanely mad. I try each day to work on myself. What is the point of all this sadness? Or this anger? Fighting my inner demons is a tiring job. It has been a tiring journey of fault finding, soul searching and life making.

I like to think the human mind is more resilient than most of us imagine. I think it is also more vulnerable than we expect. And the heart operates on a separate level from the head. And the more they disagree, the more depressed we get.

PuaKim Wong — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:11:48 +0000

Ok lo. Tired.

That’s pretty much all I get from you these days. One liners before you walk away. I guess it’s true that once we cross certain lines, it’s difficult to keep things the same again. I can’t tell if you resent me, or are just uneasy being around me. I try as best as I can to reach out and touch some of that depth I rarely got to see when I was with you.

I wish, sometimes, that I can just wash off all that emotional baggage that comes with loving someone. But I fling myself quite carelessly into things, without thinking and hold on for dear life. And when things take its course, I go over those details over and over, like a watchmaker does over his watch, until it wears me thin. It has become such a sub-concious process that my mind literally hurts.

I can’t tell if I’m getting better because of the drugs. Or if I am becoming less attached to things. I seem to float by each day. The loneliness sets in at night. I catch myself now when I start deliberating the past, before my head begins to hurt. But it’s far better. I get to enjoy long bus rides with absolutely nothing on my mind. To let it empty out.

Everything’s gonna get lighter, even if it doesn’t get better.

Why did it take me this long, this much medication, and this much therapy to get me where I am now? Happier. Settled. Solitary.