It’s been awhile since I last wrote about how I feel.
The hardest part is over, the acknowledgement that something is not quite right in my head. And I know they say that it is really a label you put on yourself. Or that it is being self-indulgent. I really don’t believe in all that. I think there’s only one thing that one can really be certain of, and that is being truly honest with yourself, although sometimes I question that as well.
That is a characteristic habit of mine, questioning everything. Almost obsessive.
These days I feel less of that impending crush of doom and endless cycles of negativity I feel. The bouts of sadness still come, but they don’t come as those debilitating waves I used to feel before. It’s more of a tired resignation of letting the sadness come, express itself as a small teary episode, and then moving on. Occasionally my stomach feels like theres a 10 inch ball of a tumor growing inside it. And I get blinding episodes of migraines that feel like my head is bruised. But it’s not so bad. I feel somewhat calmer nowadays. I can get by my days without the feeling of killing myself. I feel bad about thinking of killing myself. Of all the people I would let down, of the people I truly love. Just my family really.
So yes SUICIDE. BAD.
I sometimes wonder why me? I’ve done so much work, yet there is this lingering fear that it might all unravel, like a ball of string. And then it’s down that slippery slope again. The dark days of refusing to get out of bed, hiding under the covers, your whole body aching and your head throbbing in pain. Your chest feels like it might implode upon itself. And finally realizing that this pain is far more than merely a phase of your life that you are unhappy with. That is has nothing to do with your life.
There is feeling sad and letting yourself feel sad about it. And then there is the sadness that just prevents you from carrying on with your day. And those funny thoughts of ending your life don’t seem so funny anymore.
I don’t think I can feel that much pain again. The kind of pain that makes your head seem almost disembodied from one’s being. Like chopping it off would stop the pain.
I try to stay optimistic these days. Still navigating the messiness of life. Trying to find that drive I used to have. I’m getting there. Who’s with me?
