So I’m checking in here again.  To reflect on how I have been feeling the past few months.  I find the sadness controllable now.  Losing myself in the drudgery  routine of work.  I quite enjoy it really.  It occupies  a space that would otherwise be filled with worry and guilt.  An anxiety that consumes every ounce of energy until I’m left with nothing but tears in my eyes and a hollowness in my head.  The worst is behind me, but like that benign tumor it stays to taunt me.

I sense a deep resentment in D now, one that will build with time.  I can’t say I don’t care, but what can I do?  The fear of messing up things further terrifies me to bits.  Now that I am in a more stable state of mind, I feel that I can do something to move this ridiculous emotional stalemate.  One for her friends and mine.  And maybe for her as well.  When do I do it? That is the hardest part really.  Maybe tmr.

Over the hump

It’s been awhile since I last wrote about how I feel.

The hardest part is over, the acknowledgement that something is not quite right in my head.  And I know they say that it is really a label you put on yourself.  Or that it is being self-indulgent.  I really don’t believe in all that.  I think there’s only one thing that one can really  be certain of, and that is being truly honest with yourself, although sometimes I question that as well.

That is a characteristic habit of mine, questioning everything. Almost obsessive.

These days I feel less of that impending crush of doom and endless cycles of negativity I feel.  The bouts of sadness still come, but they don’t come as those debilitating waves I used to feel before.  It’s more of a tired resignation of letting the sadness come, express itself as a small teary episode, and then moving on.  Occasionally my stomach feels like theres a 10 inch ball of a tumor growing inside it.  And I get blinding episodes of migraines that feel like my head is bruised.  But it’s not so bad.  I feel somewhat calmer nowadays.  I can get by my days without the feeling of killing myself.  I feel bad about thinking of killing myself.  Of all the people I would let down, of the people I truly love.  Just my family really.

So yes SUICIDE. BAD.

I sometimes wonder why me?  I’ve done so much work, yet there is this lingering fear that it might all unravel, like a ball of string.  And then it’s down that slippery slope again.  The dark days of refusing to get out of bed, hiding under the covers, your whole body aching and your head throbbing in pain.  Your chest feels like it might implode upon itself.  And finally realizing that this pain is far more than merely a phase of your life that you are unhappy with.  That is has nothing to do with your life.

There is feeling sad and letting yourself feel sad about it.  And then there is the sadness that just prevents you from carrying on with your day. And those funny thoughts of ending your life don’t seem so funny anymore.

I don’t think I can feel that much pain again.  The kind of pain that makes your head seem almost disembodied from one’s being.  Like chopping it off would stop the pain.

I try to stay optimistic these days.  Still navigating the messiness of life.  Trying to find that drive I used to have.  I’m getting there. Who’s with me?

Checking in oneself

So I’m back here.  Writing about my feelings.  Sometimes I wish I was more of a dude.  Things have progressed somewhat, my brain not in this constant feeling like it wants to come out of my ears.  Is this the tail end?  I can’t tell for sure.  I’ve finally stopped asking myself the what if’s and if only’s.  Sometimes things are just the way they are.  And at the end of the day, what more is there left but to live in the moment, the now, present.  My mind has a habit of revealing the past through retrospective existentialism.

That sickening feeling of dread fills me less often, and now I acknowledge it was something unnatural, detached from me.  There’s nothing wrong with me, my mind just needs a little more re-wiring.

Ok I thought that I would have had more to say.  I guess that’s a good thing.